One degree of separation away


When I told her that ███████ - a dangerous creep dressing up his creepiness in the language of intersectionality - was now going as ███████████ in a doxx-happy group of internet vigilantes harboring multiple sexual predators, she told me she needed extra whiskey to take that hit, and left the chat for a minute to help herself.

We then tried to figure out whether ███████████’s friend, ███████ ███████, has a motive to disclose my address, since he visited me a few years ago, during his time in France. We’d have immediately ruled out the possibility in 2015. In 2016, we weren’t so sure anymore. His culture changed him too much.

I’m not particularly afraid of it happening, however.
Before I turned into an adult, I made possible the capture of a pedophile who abducts children using weapons, and sent him to prison for twenty years.
He could come to exact revenge any day. I already live with that knowledge.

What makes me truly afraid is that constantly fighting abuse and broken cultures is turning me into a mean, combative, lonely person.

Trans people who refuse to tolerate the predators in their communities simply find themselves without any community.
Meanwhile, predators who wish to abuse can pick up any of the dangerous rhetorical weapons littering their communities, scoff at the disclaimer those weapons are meant for self-defense only, and repurpose them for intra-community social climbing instead.

Fighting sociopaths and broken cultures isn’t what I want my life or my creativity to be about, when there is so much positivity I could have given to this world, if only I could have secured an environment in which I felt safe expressing it.
What is even the point of transitioning in the first place, if I end up with a more bitter personality than when pumped full of testosterone?

I sort of wish I could have joined my friend in uncorking the good spirits on that night, but I was one month sober when it happened.

That’s the way I used to use alcohol: can stop any time, really, just need my world to stop being so fucked up.

I’m looking forward to a better future, where I’ll occasionally down a gentlewomanly brandy on the rocks in celebration of the good people I welcome in my life, rather than in constant self-medication to cope with the broken and dangerous people one degree of separation away.